I’m standing in line at Vons, waiting to pay for my item. I have an Ipod on, but it is paused in anticipation of a ‘paper or plastic’ type of conversation with the cashier. I overhear a young girl, attractive and dressed like she knows it. She has the look like she’s dressed to go out, but hasn’t gone out yet, she still has that crisp, untouched look. She is talking on her cell phone to what seems is her significant other. She tells him goodnight with a soft ‘I love you’ that follows it.

Wait…good night? I pull out my cell phone to check the time; 10:15 pm. Why is that girls boyfriend going to bed at 10:15 pm when she‘s going out dressed like that? Easy answer, where he’s going to bed, it isn’t 10:15 pm…it’s probably much later.

She flips the phone closed and put’s it in her purse. She apologizes to the cashier for her conversation when there’s no need to. She seems relieved after checking in. She gives the cashier her ID to pay for her Vodka…she’s from Connecticut.

Ultimately, I feel bad for some guy in Connecticut going to sleep at 1:15 am not knowing where his girlfriend is going, who she’s going to be with, what time she’s going home, what time she’s going to sleep and the dreadful…who she’s going to sleep. In the land of beauty, and the home of many out of towners, it’s only a matter of time before this catch finds her new fisherman.

“After X amount of months you realize it’s comfortable and safe. I’m not doing this because I really like this person that much…it’s just familiar,” says Darren, a 23 year old investment banker who has lived in Santa Monica, Chicago and New York. Darren dated a girl for four and a half years; three and a half of those were long distance.

A long distance relationship is a lot more than just phone calls and cute text messages. Just because all you have is verbal interaction, doesn’t mean there aren’t any non verbal interactions, “Things are a lot more suspicious, if you miss a phone call, she’d jump to conclusions a lot quicker. Insecurity was a big issue,” says Darren. Something that could be explained in person through mood or non verbal gestures cannot be displayed with a mere missed call. “I wasn’t always in the mood to explain something that was simple or didn‘t need explaining.”

Scott, a 27-year-old broadcast journalist has lived in Santa Monica for a year, the first three months of which he was involved in the tail end of his relationship that had been going on for nine months before his move to California. He went from talking to his girlfriend every day to three times a week. “Since I got here, I started looking for a girlfriend as good or better than Marry (not real name),” he says. “Moving away as a professional sends a different, bold message. It says, ‘I moved away from YOU.’” Darren, on the other end of the spectrum went into his long distance relationship expecting to come out of it with a girlfriend, maybe more. “We weren’t dating, we were stalling. We were definitely playing for keeps in the beginning.”

The initial time in a new city, or environment can be tough. It always helps to have a soft voice waiting for you on the phone. Wandering around, going through the motions, and getting adjusted to a new area is hard. It’s a lot more beneficial when something or someone can be a crutch for that awkward period. “When I initially got out here, though, I wasn’t interested in girls, only work and Marry(not real name),” says Scott.

This would be Scott’s second long distance relationship, his first was in his senior year of college. Scott would leave his below average college experience behind for the relief efforts of a young lady. “It worked out great because I couldn’t wait to see her. I would have been miserable without her.” According to Scott, his first semester at a new college was not going so smoothly, but this was watered down by the voice of his girlfriend. “She was great for security.”

The most prized item of anyone in a long distance relationship has to be the cell phone. It’s just as important as wallet, purse, or keys. Talking to your significant other is important but not always realistic. It would be nice to have a long conversation with your loved one all the time, but mosttimes you have to settle for a check in. Darren was away but always checked in. Darren and Dana (not real name) would usually talk two times a day. At least one of those conversations was for an hour. In their senior year of college, Darren and Dana installed webcams. They would simply be in their respective rooms, studying, doing homework, or other in room activities while the webcam was on from one to four hours at a time. Although the webcam was short lived, they did try and maintain at least one solid conversation a day with a couple of check ins sprinkled in there. “It’s an easy cop out at a bar if you’re bored, it’s easy to pop outside and just check in,“ Darren says<

Scott and Marry(not her real name) spoke less frequently at three times a week. Scott’s awareness towards the long distance situation probably had something to do with that. It raises a good question: should couples talk more or less? Fewer talks per week can mean there’s “distance” in the relationship. Talking more can be considered a tease, which could lead to more problems.

Angela(not her real name), a 23-year-old graduate student living in Santa Monica, is in her third long distance relationship and has a more organized schedule with her boyfriend who lives on the east coast. “We talk for about an hour a day, spread over about six times…it’s a pretty random schedule,” Angela says while writing the schedule out. Like clockwork, the schedule seems very familiar. Conversations over the course of the week are quick and full of things on the surface. “During the week, we talk about what’s going on right now, random agenda stuff,” Angela says. “Over the weekend, we’ll have a longer conversation like we’d have in person. We’re not rushing, we’re not on the go, so we have time to relax and talk.”

Since it is a voice you hear on the telephone, verbal interactions are put under a microscope with a long distance couple, and it puts added pressure on each conversation. “Since we don’t get to see each other, I feel like the little contact we do have through a phone has to be pleasurable because that’s all we have,” Angela says. “We’re so used to things being good that the smallest thing can get magnified and seem like a big deal over the phone.”

Darren had a hard time managing the fights over the phone simply because they would get blown out of proportion. “Physical action is important, a kiss can go a long way after having a fight,” Darren says.

Talking this much can lead to a desire to see each other. Both Scott and Darren saw their significant others about once a month. Angela sees her boyfriend about every three weeks. “Physical presence makes up for a lot of things, and when you’re in a long distance relationship, that presence, that contact, the silence, the intimacy is missing,” Angela says.

Sometimes, the forced distance between two people can create an extra fire. The joining of two people who want nothing more than to be together can make those moments where you see each other special. “When you’re together, it’s that much more intense, fun, enjoyable, it’s still a novelty so you’re not sick of it yet,” says Darren.

A transition has already occurred though. After the first couple of months, you’re not used to seeing that person all the time anymore. You are now used to seeing their name on a phone display instead. When you see that significant other again, you find yourself breaking habits that come easy to you now, like being alone. “They don’t understand that I need time when I get home from work or class,” Darren says. “Basically, shut up and leave me alone for a minute.”

Leaving his significant other gave Scott a sense of relief. “I was happy to leave, every time, more and more,” Scott says.

Leaving someone you love isn’t easy to do, but it has to become a normal occurrence for a long distance relationship to last. “It’s a necessary evil right now, it feels more normal to leave,” Angela says. At first, it might sound a bit blunt and insensitive, but it is ultimately mature. Leaving to go back home and leaving your significant other are two different actions and they can’t be confused for each other. “I miss California. There’s nothing about leaving him that I like…it’s a totally separate thing.”

Freedom is very important in relationships. People who are involved in long distance relationships might get used to that freedom and eventually will have a hard time giving it up when it’s time to be with their significant other, without a phone in between them. “She’d always be with me. Eating, sleeping, in the shower, my friends got pissed off a lot of times. Space is a nice aspect of a relationship…we didn’t have any,” Scott says. “I just got used to not being with her, because I got used to this area.”

Freedom is hard to give up because you start to get used to it, before you even realize you have it. “He probably wouldn’t say this but independence is a big part of our relationship,” Angela says. “It makes us strong.”

For Darren, it was a “social relief” whenever he left his girlfriend. “Flirting is fun, meeting people is fun, being at a party with people who don’t take pictures is fun,” Darren says. “Facebook has really BLEEPED up long distance relationships.“ Being anti social was easier for him at first until he figured out a way to organize his social life; “You can only survive if everything is compartmentalized. You operate in so many different circles. When they were mixed, things would get messed up,” Darren says. “A friend would text me an inside joke from a movie or something and she would freak out. The margin of error is so small, especially when Facebook is involved.” Of course Facebook is a fantastic visual forum full of pictures and wall postings that offer paparazzi type gossip in other social circles besides Hollywood.

After awhile, things do get old. The conversations feel forced and redundant, insecurities grow, resentment starts to hit, and bitter nitpickings are more common. “Every month that I was here got better and better and I came to realize that I didn’t need her anymore,” Scott says.

Things start to bother you that didn’t bother you before. “Giving her an hour of undivided attention a night, it doesn’t seem like a lot but it gets old after awhile,” Darren says. “You can’t really just sit around with them and do nothing, you have to be active with them on the phone, all the time.”

A slight resentment of other people around you may start to occur as well. People with normal, working relationships…something you don’t have when you’re in a long distance relationship. “Now, hanging out with friends and their significant others is really starting to bother me. Especially when I’m the ONLY single person there…it’s annoying,” Angela says. “I’m used to being away but I feel like it’s getting old at times, like I’m getting sick of it.”

Breaking up a long distance relationship is harder to do than you’d think. It is too easy to blame your significant other for your daily problems because you connect best with them and interact with them more than anyone else usually. At the same time, the person on the phone can magnify whatever problem you might be dealing with in your day to day life, which may deliver your loved one as a scapegoat. “A short distance breakup is harder to do, but more permanent. The process is harder in a long distance relationship though,” Darren says. “We broke up on the phone at least once a week, 50, 60, 70 times total and always got back together. But when we broke up in person…well, I haven’t talked to her since and that was two months ago.”

Darren ended up cheating on his girlfriend twice over the course of his long distance relationship, he got caught for both. He still lasted eight more months after being caught the last time. Things just faded from there.

Scott ended up cheating on his girlfriend at least ten times over the course of his long distance relationship. “The first couple of times I cheated on her I felt guilty because I knew she wasn’t cheating on me,” Scott says. “But I was relieved when I eventually found out she was hooking up with others, and I knew that hooking up with girls here wouldn’t make me feel guilty anymore.”

Scotts ex-girlfriend now lives with someone else on the east coast. “I’m so happy she has a boyfriend now or else she’d still be grieving,” Scott says. Scott went back east to visit his family and friends in September. He also saw his ex-girlfriend, which shows you that long distance relationships don’t get the closure that short distance ones do.

Angela has cheated on one of her long distance partners in the past, but in her current relationship she has stayed faithful. In the end, she’d rather break up than cheat. “If you want to break up with someone, you will. I honestly don’t think it’s right to break up over the phone,” Angela says. “But I think there’s enough day to day conflict to initiate a break up.”

It seems like partners in a long distance relationship wait for the other to make a verbal statement, to make it clear with the intentions behind their words. “If he made me really upset it would make it easier to break up, if it were little stupid arguments that were happening a lot, I’d wait for a pattern to develop…then I’d wait and see.”

Does the phone and distance mask certain characteristics that should be showing us that certain people aren’t meant to be together? Or do they enhance the ability to see that two people have nothing in common. Do people get used to staring at the ceiling while hearing their loved one’s voice, or can they quickly familiarize themselves with that person’s emotions and expressions every time they see them. Are they avoiding temptation? Or are they avoiding the chance to meet someone that might be a better match than their current lover. Is surviving a long distance relationship standing the test of time? Or is it one giant waste of time. “You’re in a new place and you have someone to talk to and be vulnerable with. I can’t call some friend and be lonely or pathetic with them, but I could do that with her,” Darren says. But is that a reason to commit to someone, to promise someone that you’re in love with them and not just infatuated with them? “I think Ido it because I go away from home a lot and I need some sort of anchor. I haven’t ever traveled to a new place without a boyfriend from home,” Angela says. “But I don’t want to downplay that I liked these guys, I went into them thinking there was a foreseeable future.”

Whatever the case, good luck to anyone involved in a long distance relationship. But don’t do it because it’s easy, or for a forced feeling of self control, or because it’s relieving to know someone out there cares about you. Do it because you genuinely love that person and literally the only thing keeping you away is distance…because without that distance you could, would and should be together all the time.